I might have not killed myself, but I sure did find a way to burry myself alive.
October was not so good. It was however my turning point, the month that I realized just how much I was really punishing myself. So maybe October was really a good month after all?
I’m not truly ready to open up here completely on what happened, but it was what pushed me over the edge. As it was, the year started off hectic and so financially and emotionally stressed. But this I was able to handle for the most part. It wasn’t until June and July, that was my breaking point. I just couldn’t handle my life as it was anymore, I was ready to throw in the towel, if you know what I mean. I had a mental breakdown. Had a few panic attacks, months in deep depression, and isolating myself from the world.
I stuck it through, telling and somehow convincing myself it would all get better with time. But truly the only thing, the ONLY thing that kept me in check and brought me back to reality was my boys. How could I hurt them, they didn’t deserve this, they’re only children and wouldn’t understand why I left them. I don’t know where I would be if it wasn’t for those two. They are my life.
Now here I am, again. Still feeling sad but not as depressed as a month ago. I feel I’m coming around again. And maybe even forgive myself ?? Forgive my husband?? Maybe. All I know is that it’s time to change. Time to find myself in this mess I’ve created and burried myself in.
I cry heavily as I type this, it’s really the first time I “speak” about it. Although the details are not revealed, putting this out there (I’m hoping) will begin the forgiveness and healing. I think all those months in depression were somehow a moarning time for me… maybe it’s the steps in the process of death that I need to go through. And now, just maybe, it’s coming to an end? I hope so, I would love to feel like myself again.
I joined Buddyslim to get the support for the 25 pounds that I gained in those trying 6 months. And to help me get back on the losing track. But most of all, I joined because I remember all the friendly support and care I recieved from buddies on here through all the times, good and bad.
November looks like a good month.
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Isabelle…My heart goes out to you! You have been the most consistent buddy of mine, checking in on me and bringing a smile to my day. I had no idea you have struggled so much. Please know that I fully support you and wish you all the best. I understand (or at least try to) forgiveness and healing. I am on my own journey for the same. Both for myself and others. Life can be so trying and can hurt so much, but thank the Lord for the blessings in our lives. I’m so happy you have your beautiful boys to buoy you up. My kids do the same for me. They are so precious and I would never want to inflict pain on them. I have come to realize, at times, that I have done just that without realizing.. because I was in so much pain myself… that I wasn’t *being present* for them the way they needed. When I started this I stated that this is more than a physical transformation for me… it is truly a spiritual and emotional journey too. I think you are on your journey back to yourself. You have made such a huge leap to take the initiative to turn yourself around! And you have stuck through, even as crappy as October seems to have been! That’s an accomplishment girl! I think November IS going to be a good month… and in times when it’s not so good, please feel free to lean on me. ((hugs))
Jenny
(((((((((((((ISABELLE))))))))))))))) I’VE MISSED YOU SO MUCH SWEETIE!
You are by far one of my oldest buddies here. I’m so glad to see you back!
I will email you k? Just so we can chat offline.
Isabelle, I know what it’s like to bury hurt and betrayal with self-destructive eating. And I also know what it’s like to have to deal with the consequences of those actions (namely extra weight and low self-esteem) once you resurface and try to regain control of your life again. I applaud your courage, and it sounds like you have lots of people already ready to help. Good for you!
Isabelle I’m so glad you are back. I’m so sorry you were going through all this hurt and anguish. I’m glad that you were able to look at your boys and pull yourself through. I don’t know what you are going through or went through but you always have friends here to support you and cheer you on. Sounds like November will be you month to rise up and start again! ((hugs))
Thanks for being brave. Loved the post. I to take months off at times. Depression, being into myself, forced isolation. Remember true depression is anger turned inwards. Try to fight what is making you angry, as opposed to laying down and taking a self-imposed beating.
I know you can do it, the ability to succeed and thrive is ingrained into all of our DNA. Good luck!
ISABELLE!!!!Missed you!!!! I too have battled depression and it shows what a strong courageous woman you are to keep going. Hugs, lady!!
Hi isabelle I really think it was brave of you to talk out so openly, there are people here that will help you through your journey, Im sure you will do great, just believe in yourself.. and remember if you want to talk im here if you need me
xx