SDbelle619

October was not so good.  It was however my turning point, the month that I realized just how much I was really punishing myself.  So maybe October was really a good month after all?

I’m not truly ready to open up here completely on what happened, but it was what pushed me over the edge.  As it was, the year started off hectic and so financially and emotionally stressed.  But this I was able to handle for the most part.  It wasn’t until June and July, that was my breaking point.  I just couldn’t handle my life as it was anymore, I was ready to throw in the towel, if you know what I mean.  I had a mental breakdown. Had a few panic attacks, months in deep depression, and isolating myself from the world.

I stuck it through, telling and somehow convincing myself it would all get better with time.  But truly the only thing, the ONLY thing that kept me in check and brought me back to reality was my boys.   How could I hurt them, they didn’t deserve this, they’re only children and wouldn’t understand why I left them.   I don’t know where I would be if it wasn’t for those two.  They are my life.

Now here I am, again.  Still feeling sad but not as depressed as a month ago.  I feel I’m coming around again.  And maybe even forgive myself ?? Forgive my husband?? Maybe.  All I know is that it’s time to change.  Time to find myself in this mess I’ve created and burried myself in.

I cry heavily as I type this, it’s really the first time I “speak” about it.  Although the details are not revealed, putting this out there (I’m hoping) will begin the forgiveness and healing.  I think all those months in depression were somehow a moarning time for me… maybe it’s the steps in the process of death that I need to go through.  And now, just maybe, it’s coming to an end?  I hope so, I would love to feel like myself again.

I joined Buddyslim to get the support for the 25 pounds that I gained in those trying 6 months.  And to help me get back on the losing track.   But most of all, I joined because I remember all the friendly support and care I recieved from buddies on here through all the times, good and bad.

November looks like a good month.

I’m finding it harder than I thought to keep to my diet plan.  My mind feels clouded and I can’t seem to concentrate on anything at all.

Just got back from a weekend of fun in Vegas.  I did okay and was ready to get right back on track Monday, but it ended quickly on Tuesday.  I have so much on my mind that I feel its hard to know what to do first or where to start.

I’m soo unmotivated to do anything right now, much less take care of myself.  I really need to focus.

I use to be an active member here on Buddy a couple years ago.  It was about that time when I was doing so well, taking care of myself and was able to lose 30 lbs.  I kept it of for two years or so and it was great. 

This year however, hit me so hard as it did many others.  Financial stresses totally took over along with issues with family and friends so many things I can’t mention.  It has been too much to handle and I ended up turning to food, sleep, and closing myslef off from friends and loved ones.

I fell in a deep depression that was almost impossible to break no matter how hard I tried.  From January to now, I have gain 25 lbs.  Gain 25 pound in less than ten months, it took me 1 1/2 years to lose the 30!  Amazing what a turn my life took this year. 

Well I think now I am finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I’m still fighting the urges to eat and sleep but I also feel urges of a new kind… fight, change, and happiness. 

I want to begin to re-invent myself.  I intend to change a little more each day and just head forward.  I hope to meet great friends here as I once did before.  Women in simular situations or ones who have already been there and have alot to advise and support. 

This once as a fun and exciting change for me and I want that back again.  I want to make this weight loss journey fun, and very exciting.